The year's almost finished and I... barely worked on this website. Oh well. Time for a life update! :3
School's been kicking my arse, there's always so much work to do and it keeps piling up when I try to take time for myself. I'm in a relationship now, I'm on meds now, I stopped a certain medication (more information later on in the post) and I'm feeling strange. Politics are looking grim, while I won't go too deep into it, it's all red around me. It's scary. The newfound hope and vigor for life in the last post has all but flickered out in the face of a bleak mundanity. I try my best to live life day by day but it's hard.
I've lost love for things I used to and it feels like I'm hooked onto this somber complex to lead a fulfilling life- without knowing what that means or what I even want from it. Even music has dulled for me, I often find myself tired with new releases and jaded with the old. I'm unsure if this shift is internal or a result of external forces but I am often playing out the role of a satisfied person. Smiling when I feel nothing, and laughing to please those around me. In this newfound (maybe persistent?) dialogue I've begun to act more recklessly. I'm more open about my identity, being a aromantic trans boy, I'm more keen on presenting myself how I want to, wearing cat ears and a tail and being more open to change.
I get harassed way more often now, people pull on my tail, take pictures of me and call me names- but there's something exhilarating in having a cause to fight for, even if the cause is yourself.
Onto more fun topics, I have a tumblr, a complete Sunny nendoroid and did I mention I'm in a relationship... I love he. I have a shrine for him irl and on my webbed site.
I'm running out of things to say so that's my reflection for now! See you when I see ya!
New year, same as usual. I've been doing a bit better mentally which is probably why I meandered over to my website again. I've been working out, I've been meeting people and I've been living life like it's a game. This year I will focus on bettering myself. I'm going to list out some things I finished/am finishing as of late.
Okay, now for things I'm nowhere near done with. I'm getting better at sitting down and actually going through media now but it's a work in progress so who knows how long it'll take me.
To sum up my year, life has been hard and it seems to only get more complicated as time goes on. However through this emotional turmoil, you begin to see more of yourself- your body grows and your brain develops. You see wrinkles, scars, calluses and markings. You see your blood, spit, tears, mucus and countless other substances. You see people you know reflect this aging process alongside you. Soon you will see their blood, spit, tears and mucus. So yes, life goes on, but it takes you with it. I have seen the beauty in life, I am greedy so I'd like to see more, that is why I will continue to live. Not because I don't want to die, but because I want to live.
For someone like me, and I'm sure many others, it's scary to come to this conclusion and accept it fully... but with every day I am more confident. I may run, but so long as I tried, my efforts meant something. To my past self, riddled with shame and guilt and decorated in your own filth, to you who hated yourself more than anything else. To he who was living as others wanted, offered no compassion and cried himself into a stupor. I love you. You forgive yourself. Live freely with me.
I went to the beach, a black bird followed me as I collected black shells.
Hm... where do I start...
So, I often cry over not being able to be near Sunny anymore. The feeling only gets worse knowing many people see it as mental illness or some kind of roleplay. I would say "I wish it was fake", but I really don't. Sunny is extremely important to me, the idea of having no emotions about him is upsetting, love- in all it's forms- should not be something to be ashamed of. It's fine if people think I'm cringe. Nothing can be done about that.
I'm not here to give a lecture though, what I really came here to talk about is a DM I got. I would show it... but it's very special to me. I'd rather keep it to myself, I don't know how the person would feel if I posted it on my website as well, haha. They talked about a familiar feeling from Omori after seeing my (incessant, endless, constant and persistant) posts about the game, and had some kind words to say. Needless to say, I was really touched.
There's not any way I can say this in a way that isn't so brash, but they felt like Sunny to me. It made my day so much better.
The only thing bothering me is how bad I am at social interaction, it bugs me so much. I want to connect with people and make friends but I have so many problems when it comes to social interaction. I get physically ill when I talk to people, can't communicate how I feel well, need to go silent/disappear occasionally, get way too emotional sometimes and struggle to connect with people even if they connect with me. There's a lot I could go into for each of those but it's just not worth it, I was born wrong, that's it.
By the way, there was a new spiderweb near my bed which makes no sense because I killed(?) the last one that was there. I'm not that scared of spiders, I actually quite like them so I'm not mad, just confused. To be fair, the corpse was not on the bottom of the shoe I used so he may still be alive. Good for him. They eat the flies so it's alright. I struggle with carrying them on a shoe to the front door for some reason so I hope he just stays hidden so I don't have to kill him.
This reminds me of a spider I had in my mailbox at another home, he was so sweet. He'd move when we went to get the mail and would eat bugs around the mailbox. I think he was a jumping spider, I loved him very much. My dad killed him not knowing his importance. I cried over it the entire day, this was a long time ago. My dad is a good man, he just didn't know, I didn't understand this at the time and felt a lot of hatred towards him. I don't care about it anymore.
Happy birthday, Sunny! Sorry I didn't get to do much for your special day, but I doodled something rq for us. I hope you like it.
I love you, and miss you.
It's late right now, but I have a lot more on my mind, I'll probably make a post about it or write you tomorrow. Pleasant dreams.
I finally got this journal working, it's kinda nice, right? I was a good boy and didn't use tables! I'm excited to make the pages for all my other weird little thoughts and stories.
Guess now is a good a time as any to talk about stuff... but I don't know what to say.
Oh! I watched Serial Experiments Lain in one sitting two days ago(?), figured I should stop putting it off considering it's... prominence on Neocities. The graphics were so pretty. I didn't really know what was going on since I hadn't eaten for a couple days at that time, but I guess Lain is meant to be our collective concious on memories, technology and how the world interacts with those concepts. However, she also seems to represent quite a few more things as she was capable of resetting everyone's memories. So while she's supposedly revered as a god and has some supernatural powers, she also speaks to mankind and wishes to retain her humanity. Apparently. I think. Listen, I'm not one to write up reviews, everything I watch I try to consume as is without trying to intervene with my own ideas. Regardless of what it was trying to tell me, I really enjoyed the show. Her bear onesie is adorable.
I really want to draw Omori in the scene where she's wired up to her gamer setup. The imagery is so beautiful.
Let's all love Lain.